Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna...
Meh.
The Song That Should Not Be Heard Be Me, Ever, came on the radio a little while ago (no, not the song quoted in the entry title). Somehow that is rather appropriate.
"And when the spring came and flooded all the streams, it's like how you got the night you told me all your dreams..."
I just went outside to get some things from my car, and for the first time, really, the air is starting to feel and even smell like spring. April is just one week away. For me, March has quite possibly been the fastest month to go by that I can recall.
I remember, back at the end of February, how far away the end of March seemed. Not in a bad way, but good that there was seemingly that much time between the two points. Now? It seems like no time at all. It is coming -- has come -- so fast. On the one hand, I'm really excited and happy about what's to come. On the other, there are certain things that I really don't want to leave behind, people, routines and just general aspects of many things that have become more important to me and mean more to me than I'd ever realized. Is this the definition of "bittersweet"? I'm not sure.
I know, when it comes to people, that it's not like we're all on different planets. You stay in touch, you maintain those friendships, if you try. I like to believe there are reasons for everything. While this is the downside of all that has happened, the bright side is blindingly brilliant. I am excited about so much that's coming up, most of all about May and my roomie! :):):) This afternoon I stopped by where I will be working starting one week from now, and got nothing but good feelings from that. (And I get a window. How cool is that? ;)) And, of course, what everything is leading up to -- the return to school in September. So much that is positive, so much I'm looking forward to.
Hmmm, reflective much tonight?
On an entirely different topic, putting up my first poem of 2004: Subterfuge. I'm compelled to say a little bit about my writing now, poems especially. (Before I get the "Um, what was that all about?" questions, hee.) I think one of the biggest challenges a writer faces -- whether they write poetry, prose or song lyrics -- is reader assumption of what is being talked about, or where the idea or inspiration is drawn from. Most times people try to draw direct parallels to the writer's own life. This can be quite far from the case, though.
A good example: my 1997 poem, Turning. ("I lost myself, along the way/Lost you/To lose me/Muddled up the sense of it/The way it used to be/And for all the smiles and solace/I wish I could recall/If we had much in common/Or maybe nothing at all.") When I wrote it, it was immediately after reading an article in a magazine, where the dynamic that was going on just leapt off of the page, leaving such a deep impression upon me that it was channeled into creative expression. While I had people tell me that they related to it -- and years later, I, myself, also did -- where it came from was definitely not the expected place.
Not that I usually say where something is coming from, I guess just to explain that we're not all tortured souls. And that I like to keep you guessing. :)
Friday tomorrow, and hopefully a less sleepy one than last week!
So... I'm posting my answers to these questions sent from my old j-skool bud-dee (think Encino Man inflection there) Kelly here on my weblog. Why? Because I need help! ;) No, kidding, because I guess in a sense it's the casual bio of me, as opposed to the official one. Here we go -- just because this weblog needs to have more scrolling involved... about as much as I need to talk faster, but anyway!
1. Last movie you saw in a theater? 50 First Dates. I am a big fan of Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler collaborations. 2. What book are you reading now?Anil's Ghost (Michael Ondaatje) 3.Favourite board game? Clue or Cranium, I am still OD'd on Trivial Pursuit! 4. Favourite magazine? Rolling Stone, People, Cosmo, US 5. Favourite smells? Christmas :), hazelnut coffee or buttercream Yankee candles, extinguished candles, grass after summer rain, coffeehouses, nice boy scents (soaps, light colognes, etc.), my fabric softener 6. Favourite foods? Golden delicious apples, real perogies, East Side Mario's salad, chocolate 7. Favourite sounds? My parents' voices on the phone, summer rain, gentle thunder, (happy) birds on a summer morning, a puppy's happy bark 8. Worst feeling in the world? Loneliness or isolation, or if I've hurt someone unintentionally. (Also, very bad hangovers but seeing how I don't drink anything all that often, this is usually quite avoidable!) 9. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? What is The Bear playing now?/Are you in cahoots with Soundscan and/or the secret World Music Government to make Nickelback, The Tragically Hip and Coldplay the only three artists played on Ottawa radio?/Did my radio just go off or was I dreaming? 10. Favourite fast food place? Ummm... does Tim Horton's count? Not really a fast food girl. I am a sucker for McDonald's fries every once in a blue moon, though. 11. Future child's name? No plans for kiddies in the foreseeable future, but names I like are Kavan for a girl (rhymes with Gavin, and due to a years-old obsession with a Goo-Goo Dolls song, the full name would be Kavan Iris) and I also like Cayden. I used to really like Tristan for a boy but I haven't really thought about that in awhile! Bailey, maybe. I did name a character in my book that. :) However... I will either have to name other people's children or puppies! 12. Finish this statement. If I had a lot of money, I would... Buy my own tropical island and start my own, very relaxed empire that would involve a lot of lying on a beach and perhaps a swim-up bar or two.
This letter is to notify you of my withdrawl of services, effective March 20, 2004, at 9:30 a.m. While I have served you with the utmost loyalty for nearly 24 years, the unrelenting web design/computer mouse-related abuse I have suffered at your hands for the last nine years has left me no other choice.
You're left-handed, so why can't you use the mouse that way? I think it's high time you gave Lefty over there a little taste of how it feels.
In closing, @#$% you.
Sincerely,
Your Right Shoulder
When I woke up this morning, I couldn't move my shoulder. It was pulling and catching in about four different places, and a general ball of ow. I couldn't even type -- that was a new one! After half an hour of the Dr. Scholl's massager on it I got movement back, but took the day off from the computer. Instead, I braved the snowstorm and went out and about, and started reading Anil's Ghost.
What I would like to find a copy of: There's a Trick With A Knife I'm Learning to Do (Ondaatje, poems 1963-1978). Why, when things earn such accolades and literary awards, are they out of print? Oh well, might borrow it from the Carleton library before deciding if I want to order a used copy from Amazon.
We made it. :) All the way through another winter, to the first day of spring. Even though it's still a little bit cold outside, it is officially spring. I love it. :)
I am so delirious right now. I finally fell asleep sometime between 4 and 5 a.m. and then got up at 6:30. (Thanks for the advice about meals today, Mike -- muchly appreciated!) Went to work, was actually more awake there than when I first got up, came home, had about a half-hour nap, went out. There has been a lot of caffeine consumed today! I can hardly type right now... hmmm, I think it might be bedtime soon. Yeah, I'm wimping out early tonight.
Did I miss some major world event that impacted oil prices, though? When I went out at 8 tonight, gas was 61-something/litre; driving home about half an hour ago, I noticed it had gone up over 18 cents to 79.9. Weeeeiiiiiirrrrrd. Or maybe not so much, really.
It is officially time to go crash on The Most Comfortable Bed In The World (TM), knowing that I don't have to get up til I'm good and ready tomorrow! :) G'night everyone!
Next time you find yourself getting sleepy at 9 p.m. and you're lying down somewhere, writing, get the hell up and stay awake for a couple more hours, rather than fall asleep for two hours and find yourself unable to sleep for the rest of the night.
Love,
Jenn
P.S. The coffee maker sends its warmest regards in anticipation of four hours from now.
Can Cadbury Creme Eggs solve the world's problems? I'm not entirely sure, but they're a good start.
Okay, this just made me stop and STARE at my screen. I spent the second part of the afternoon evolving into a spastic stressball at work, and then I got home to read my horoscope for tomorrow from Jonathan Cainer (well I guess technically it's for about 7 p.m. tonight onwards), check this out:
You are feeling sleepy. Very sleepy. Your eyelids are growing heavy. You can hardly keep awake a moment longer. You are slipping down into a dream-world. When I count to three, you will be completely relaxed. One, two... oh damn! I forgot to turn the mobile phone off. "Hello. Can you call me back later? I am just trying to hypnotise a Taurean. No, you are right. I do not normally do this kind of thing, but I do not know how else to let them know that everything is OK and they may as well stop worrying this weekend." OK. Now, where were we? Ah, yes: THREE!
Hmmm. I'm pretty sure I know of at least one person who would tell me to take that to heart today.
So while I'm on the topic, here's the part where I get confused about stress management. When I was in school, working almost full-time hours between two jobs and taking a more-than-full-time courseload, between the sheer number of things I'd have to accomplish in a day and other life elements, some days I would be stressed out. Or maybe that was entirely burnt out, but with those stresses on top of it (which could very well be what's going on now). At that time, the person in my life who would most often hear about it, even when I'd say that what I needed was a hug or to be listened to, wouldn't give me that but would instead get ticked at me for being stressed in the first place, refusing to even try to understand why I'd be feeling that way. What I was told? "I'm trying to make you tougher."
So now, well after all that, after being conditioned to internalize most stresses, there are stresses from other areas, stresses other people are also going through so they understand them. Friends, without my ever even asking, somehow just know that what I need is someone to listen, maybe a hug, and then tell me it's okay to react to or vent about the stress and the situation, that I don't always have to pretend to be tough or whatever.
Polar opposites. How can friends so instinctively anticipate what you need, when the other one couldn't or just wouldn't? I mean, aside from the obvious there.
That said, it's comforting in a way. At least I know that I'm not insane. I don't think I could ever even truly express how grateful I am for that, after years of defending why I even needed to be listened to.
On the bright side though (cos I need to end on a positive, I'm not all gloom and doom here you know!) I found parking near where I'm going to be working... that in itself can probably be considered a miracle! Hooray for nice people who rent their driveways. :)
More later (maybe). I may be cranking out some writing tonight.
The update. I'd say to end all updates, but it's not, really. It's a pretty big update, though, and definitely life impacting to me! :)
I was in such a girly mood when I woke up this morning. You know, wanting the really girly clothes (long skirt, jewellery), the girly scents (body splash -- well, exceedingly light body splash in case someone around me had any sort of perfume allergy), just super girly. Have I used that word enough yet? Sometimes I wake up that way, although today I have a feeling it was induced by something else, aka my own forgetfulness or the same reason I had a dull headache all day. :P:P:P We'll call it hormonal overload by a double-dose. I've never had to do that before and hopefully never again!
Yeah, so, girly. And now that I'm home and have had dinner and things have run their course, less so. Have changed out of the skirt, getting ready to go out -- no, not for green beer, green coffee maybe. ;)
Yesterday I received the "pinks" in the mail from the Faculty of Graduate Studies and Research, along with my formal offer of admission. About an hour and a half ago, I mailed my offer acceptance. It is official: I will be starting my M.A. in September.
I haven't really talked about this much here yet. If I don't talk to you on a regular basis, you may not know that I will be doing my Masters degree full-time. One year from right now I will be finishing up the courses, and preparing to spend April to August writing my Masters Research Paper. That's a big wow, at least to me. There is a lot I have to do before the fall to get started on this track. (Lots and lots of reading; lots and lots of thinking, brainstorming, outlining.) Universe willing, I will have a Masters degree just a few months after turning 25. And, universe willing, I will be accepted into a PhD program following that. Yes, you read that correctly. ;) I could be Dr. Jennifer Farwell by the time I'm 27.
Right now, I'm just remembering the day in my third year of undergrad that I went and officially declared myself a combined honours student in journalism and English, in case I wanted to be able to do an M.A. in English. Now? Here we go.
In many ways, I should be entirely freaked out by this. There is a lot going on right now, with this, and with work. I am moving to a new job in two weeks. This was Part One of The Day That Changed Everything, 2004 -- not to be confused with The Day That Changed Everything, 2003. I'm not entirely sure what's up with me and the last week of February -- not that the changes either year have been, in the end, at all bad. It's just that when there's change, there's change, no subtleties about it. My M.A. acceptance was Part Two of TDTCE2004, and all of it occurred within the same hour, so that's why I was entirely stunned when I posted here that day.
The reality? I am more calm in so many ways than I have ever been. Something about this direction just feels so absolutely, indescribably right.
One more thing. :) A very exciting, happy thing! In May, after a year of living by myself, I will no longer be. I am really excited about this! :) Lurrrrrve to the bestest roomie ever if you're reading! :):):):):):)
All this to say, there is a ton going on right now, and this is what I've meant by my life being pretty chaotic over the last several weeks. I am really looking forward to all of these things. Life can be entirely crazy sometimes, but also entirely amazing. It never ceases to surprise and astound!
Really? I just want a rainbow, leprechaun and pot of gold. Not the chocolates. Although chocolate is never bad. Unless it's Christmas and there's been an overload. But I digress.
Happy St. Patty's Day! May the green beer and hangover remedies be with you...
Do you know I have yet to experience the strange human phenomenon that is the consumption of green beer? And why does this not fall under the same category as purple ketchup -- i.e. Things That Should Not Be That Colour. Yet we all consider this entirely normal (yeah, yeah, blah blah food-colouring-cakes, pffft).
I'm pretty sure I won't be boarding the miscoloured inebriation train tonight, but enjoy yourselves all the same! :)
Lesson learned for today: When the muscles in my back are somewhat stiff and sore (lots of back exercises yesterday), it is not the day to choose a semi-uncomfortable bra. Double discomfort while sitting! I spent the entire morning just wanting to crawl out of my skin. Also conducive to crankiness.
You know that sudden realization, after having a conversation with someone, a comment that you didn't "get" the intended meaning or concept of during the actual conversation? I. Am. An. Idiot. (Or in TWoP speak, "I r a dumb.") I'm pretty sure that I used to be intelligent. My new reality series: "As the I.Q. Drops." Watch it daily -- you just have to follow me around.
That is all. Oh, and I still need new shoes.
Mmm, good yoga kriya tonight though. It was the end of the 10-class session (new one starts next week, yay :)) so it was a kriya for prosperity. For some reason this particular set really sparks the energy, where I can feel it throughout my spine. After talking to one of my yoga instructors, I'm really intrigued by and interested in learning more about Reiki. I may take a class if there is a session offered by her teacher sometime soon.
I love things like this that are new and fascinating to me. :)
You should only have to be a fashion victim of the 1980s once in your lifetime. If I were prime minister, I'd make it a law.
For the curious, no I did not go see Andrew Firestone speak at the National Women's Show today. I didn't feel particularly fangirlish when I got up this morning, so I went shopping instead. Correction. I tried to go shopping. People, when I don't even see one pair of shoes that I like, there is a problem. It is also very sad, because I need new shoes. (No, really. My black platforms are dying a painful death. I think it's from me rocking on the heels of them all the time.)
So, you know when you're in a store and a sales person asks, "Can I help you with anything?" Today what I really wanted to respond with was, "Yes, can you tell me who scooped up the worst fashion from the 1980s and dropped it smack in the middle of 2004? I'd like to go hurt them." Seriously, can someone please send me a plane ticket to a city that still has fashion sense? (I'm going to guess this will be somewhere outside of North America.) If not, it's a safe bet I'm going to spend the spring and summer dressed like Gwen Stefani. And there'd be nothing wrong with that, if I was a goddamn rock star.
I need spring and summer work clothes... I'm hoping maybe if I wait a couple more weeks or maybe even a month, that things will moderately settle down. That's usually how it works, isn't it? The first round of fashion for a new season is off-the-wall retro to some era long past, and then while the rest of the season might be inspired by it, it's toned down. I think. I hope. Good God, I hope.
It looks like the most shoppable stores of the next few months will be Jacob and the Gap. I'm pretty sure I've never bought anything from the Gap, but I may have to start. Those two stores had things that were actually nice in them today (Jacob more so), I just wasn't in a beige mood, and there was a lot of beige happening. It has to be a certain shade of beige for me to be able to wear it. I need nice, light, pastel-y colours for spring, or black. Cos black works all the time. I own a lot of it.
I also did a good deed this afternoon. :) When I was still in j-skool, I always told myself that if I was ever in a position where I'd be getting interview requests from journalism students, especially ones from Carleton, that I would go out of my way to help them as best I could. There is just a certain level of frustration you encounter when trying to get interviews while a student, and it's a shared experience that I think bonds all former, current and future journalism students together. While shopping, I was approached by a Carleton j-skooler, who was doing some streeters (or in this case, mallers) for something his second-year reporting class was working on. So, I very willingly and cheerfully helped him out. It is astounding how unwilling most people are to spend 30 seconds of their time answering one question for something like this. Believe me, I've been there. I am still sympathetic to the plight!
Holy babble. And I still need to clean my kitchen!
As it turned out, my e-mail wasn't really an indication for the rest of the day yesterday. Pretty much everyone I talked to had a weird, rough or way-too-busy morning, so maybe there was a momentary planetary or cosmic transition going on at the time! I actually had some pretty good news yesterday :):):) so if any of you were sending positive energy my way, thank you so much! I hope I can return the favour.
As for what will be happening in April and May, I'm not going to write about that just yet. I have this innate fear that if I talk about it, plans will fall through!
So what do I have to do this weekend? Heh, clean my kitchen for starters. Some trips to a few stores, finish polishing Chapters 1-3 of D so I can finally send them out, call and see people, some more graphic design and web work, I'll probably have to brave a grocery store to stock up on some fruits and veggies, I think I need to find and start reading a couple of Kerouac and Ondaatje books, all kinds of stuff!
First I should probably start by getting myself out of this chair and getting ready for the day!
9:24 a.m. It's already going to be one of these days, is it? And I forgot two favourite CDs and the new yoga CD with the 25-minute relaxation music on it in my stereo at home today!
I learned a new word today: guitarded. My gosh, does that one ever make me giggle! It was found in a book of logos someone brought to work today. Hee. I've decided to make it my word of the week. Well, that and a few choice profanities occasionally muttered at a certain Lotus Notes-based application, but I'm far from alone on that one! (My tolerance is actually incredibly high now. :))
By the way, I caved on the whole jacket thing. Yes, I'm a Jacob whore. What I ever did before that store for clothing is beyond me. I am, however, in complete lurrrrve with my newest acquisition. And, according to Sheryl Crow, "if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad..." Right? Right? Anyone?
Weird thing in the mall late this afternoon, though. I'm walkin' through, probably looking entirely lost in space as per usual and doing the not-looking-at-anyone thing, when two guys walking in the opposite direction come right beside me and are staring straight at me, as one says to the other "She's beautiful." Me: Kept straight on walking but it pulled me out of my haze, that's for damn sure.
I don't know, this is complicated to explain. When people say that to me, friend or absolute stranger, it unnerves me entirely. I don't know why. I'm a lot better at accepting compliments than I used to be, but yeah. Want a guaranteed way to unnerve me or catch me entirely off-guard? That'll do it, every time.
Alrighty then. :)
Who of us are open, who of us has freedom really?
Who of us can tell what these dark days will bring?
All of us are hurting, all of us are crazy now -- we're crazy now.
All of us are hating, all of us are dreaming
All of us are watching these times of our lives
We want it all, we want for nothing -- for nothing now...
~ David Usher, Time of Our Lives
Resist urge to go shopping... resist urge to go shopping... resist urge to go shopping... (everything is flourescent pink, anyway, except for that bee-yoo-tee-ful spring coat at Jacob...)
This is what happens when it's a Wednesday night between seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, and there is no girls' night scheduled. I feel compelled to go shopping, cos all the spring stuff has started to come out! Ahhh...
"I'll tell you why, I don't know, what was going through my head..."
Some days I question my sanity.
It has been an awesome day, don't get me wrong. :) But seriously, thoughts and events can at times make me wonder if I'm losing my mind. Or if someone is intentionally or unintentionally trying to make me lose my mind, or if not, then trying to tell me something or trying to gage something. Or if when they look at me like they know or suspect what I'm thinking, that they really do know what I'm thinking, and then I wish I had the psychic power to read their own mind.
Hello there ambiguity, my old friend. There is an essential problem with a weblog. It's a very public diary. It's not usually the general public that I'm concerned about. It's the people who know me well, or who used to know me well, or who will phone me up and ask "Okay, what was that all about?"
Then again, I'm not so innocent. I often read the weblogs of people I know and sometimes have to really restrain myself from either asking questions or making comments. Most recently would have been "Yeah, that really isn't fun, now is it?" But that would have sounded entirely malicious, and that's not how I intended it at all, more sympathetic yet in a way not so. Who knows.
Anyway... questions, wondering and general paranoia. That about sums it up! :) Holy cow, I sound like a fruit loop.
I'm crossing my fingers right now about something (entirely unrelated to that last total tangent that took ramble to a whole new level of art form)... my life has been rather chaotic over the last couple of weeks, to say the least. Everyone please send positive energy for good news and I muchly, muchly appreciate it! :):):)
Now, I think it's about time I found myself dinner.
I can't be sure, but I think you might be able to smell my hair all the way from Orleans right now.
I had to pay a visit to one of my favourite stores last night as I was out of conditioner, and I got a deep conditioner that I'd had once before while I was there... cos my hair is hella, hella long now and I decided it needed deep conditioning. At least it's a rather nice scent. :)
Other than that, not much exciting to entertain y'all with this fine a.m.! I've had Dido's "White Flag" stuck in my head since it started playing at Chapters last night and it just makes me want to write! (It's one of those switch-my-mind-over-to-writing-mode songs.) But work calls. :)
Dreaming of so much ugliness, waking up to all this beautiful blue...
How do you say, 'I've always felt this way'? ~ Holly McNarland, Beautiful Blue
Another Friday, another weekend. Last night was fun, Kashmathla came over and much wine was consumed. I think that's just what I needed! No, don't read that as "I need to drink"! ;) The fact is that I rarely do; the consequence of that being how little I actually can now. But wine with a good friend and just talking about anything and everything, nothing beats that.
I think it is definitely a writing weekend. If anything, some kind of release for my thoughts is needed, and usually when I feel that I need that, it translates well into a creative outpouring. Poems, the book that I got behind on (but when I actually sit down and do write, I get pages done at a time), just anything. Me, paper and a pen, and coffee. Mmmm. :)
I so muchly think it is time for me to get off the computer for the day! I haven't not been on a computer today, except when coming home from work and cooking dinner. It's not like it isn't warranted -- I work on a computer all day for what I do, and I'm working on a freelance graphic design and website job right now. My eyes are starting to cross, though!
Back rub? Hell yes, anyone offering? It may soon be time for another trip to the massage therapist.
Life seems to have such a frantic pace right now. Sometimes there are phases of life, weeks or even months, where it seems like not a lot is happening. Then, there are phases like now where everything is upside-down and inside-out, both with myself and almost everyone I know, in pretty much every sphere. Things can seem so busy and urgent, so all-consuming: the biggest challenge is letting it all go at the end of the day. Thankfully, I've been able to do that lately, and have had relatively undisturbed sleep. By all accounts I should be having the tornado nightmares again, but somehow I'm not.
This is not to say that many of the changes and upside-downness aren't great, or potentially better. They are, it's just the navigating to the better part and all the things that can happen in a day that sometimes leave me breathless or excited; occasionally unnerved.
Now, though, I think I'm going to go become lost in a fictional world -- one of the books piled beside my bed. There is going to be one (or many) incredible exursion(s) to Chapters, secondhand bookstores and the library in the near future. I have a lot of reading I want to get done by the end of the summer, to prepare for my M.A. program and proposed path of study. (Hello eye strain, my old friend... ;) Actually, it will be nice to read things on paper, while curled up with blankets -- a little easier on the eyes than a computer screen!)
