I'm writing this while on the plane, to be posted later on tonight once I land and have an Internet connection. If any of you read what I posted earlier today, please... well, ignore it, I suppose. I tend to get highly tensed up and stressed leading to emotional on travelling days. While I did feel that I gave up on something today, and did become a little emotionally volatile before my flight, I really didn't need to be quite so dramatic about it.
I'm remarkably calm right now, just over half an hour into this second flight. Wait, maybe it's more. I'm not really sure what time we took off. I wasn't supposed to be able to get off in Toronto, but we got there really early, so I walked around for a bit in the terminal, got some water -- something I'd had no time for whatsoever in Ottawa. What an ordeal that was. It took over 40 minutes for my cab to come pick me up. Then, traffic was a bit slow and CCRA was on strike at the airport. Got to the line to check-in and they pulled me through to the front, I was so wound up right about then. Booted it over to security, to have to pull my laptop, cell phone and mp3 player out of my bag... a new alternative to my carry-on (laptop backpack) that I haven't quite perfected the art of packing yet.
Highlights of the flight thus far:
I've had a seatmate since Ottawa who has been very nice and we've been chatting. We're both in government, and he's given me his card, to inquire about employment with his department. That is super nice of him, I must say!
A flight attendant has nicknamed me "Princess". He's funny.
Addition at 9:55 p.m.
And that is all for now. Finishing this up at home now, the squirrel from Christmas has become more tame and is so cute and hilarious to watch. I've been fed super yummy food, finally relaxing and exhaling... don't want to leave.
Ughity ugh. That is what I feel like. Probably look worse. Headache beginning. I am wondering if this is because I could not stomach caffeine this morning? Or, possibly need more red meat. I had a hamburger on Saturday when a headache would not go away, I was craving red meat for the third day in a row, and I started walking into things. (I suspect that was a cry for iron.) Made lime and mesquite grilled chicken and roasted red peppers (along with some chicken fried rice :)) for dinner yesterday, for some more protein.
Note to self: no more Starbuck's mochas that are not non-fat milk and have whipped cream on a work night.
Two more hours at work, no caffeine. Can she do it?
Reason #4208508101 why picturing myself ever being in a functional relationship is laughable, at best
I have this problem now, you see. It's called a life. As in, my own. Things I like doing. Sometimes things by myself, sometimes things with friends. I have my own interests and ambitions, and they can be pretty time-consuming. Sometimes even things like "I want to go for a long walk" interferes with the rest of what I have planned to do or want to be doing. Add the fact that I'm rapidly heading toward completion on the draft of a book and two months away from starting another degree, and you've got a busy girl on your hands.
What I could never picture myself being again is one of those people who does everything with her boyfriend, whose relationship overtakes most of her life. Now, I don't mean that spending time with someone isn't important -- obviously, it is, and if you're dating them in the first place, you like them and want to see them. But I could never, ever again have my schedule so dependent on someone else, to spend every waking hour of every day with them and only them. Even if I was married to the guy, I would still need my "me" time; my alone time, my time with friends or doing other things I like to do, and my writing time.
Once upon a time, I didn't understand the concept of alone time. After living by myself for a year and some, I often crave it.
Then there's the writing issue. There are not many people who have ever been around me when I'm writing -- I don't mean essays or articles, I mean writing like I do when I'm writing something extremely lengthy and fictional, like the book. I am tuned into another channel, far away from where you are. That's what I'm seeing, hearing, thinking and translating into words. I get lost there for hours. I have no idea that you're talking to me.
Unfortunately, I know this can be taken the wrong way. This makes it pretty difficult to ever be in a functional relationship where this is understood, supported, and maybe even makes someone smile.
Functionality. Not likely. :)
Right now, I am...
Wanting to be: a glamourous, charming, sophisticated, make-ya-melt, knock-ya-over kind of gal... not a nauseous, feeling bleh, probably looking bleh one who sometimes should learn to think about the story she's about to tell before she actually does, so as to prevent looking like a total nutbar. Sigh. Wishing I was: on my way to the polls, then home to spend the evening glued to the election coverage on TV. Hearing: Shiny, Happy People (stuck in my head -- leftover from Fahrenheit 9/11)
Cost of two pillows you looked at in IKEA, before deciding upon the need for higher quality: $110.
Watching an ex-boyfriend oh-so-inconspicuously drive reaaalllllly far behind you at about 20 km/hr then take off like a shot when he had to change lanes? Priceless.
I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 last night with a few people. If there's one documentary everyone should see, it's this. I found it more powerful than Bowling for Columbine. I know there are arguments floating around out there right now about bias, credibility and all of that, but I gently remind everyone that there isn't anything out there that doesn't have some sort of inherent bias. We certainly never pretended there was in j-skool, so don't go preaching at me with your notions of "fair and balanced" now.
What is important here, is that it makes you think and question. In order to truly have a democratic society, and not fall into a dictatorship, we must allow all ideas a voice. If you never questioned your political leader, how is that democracy? How is that freedom? You support both your leader and the political process by allowing yourself to think, analyze and question. It's what keeps the process working.
That said, this documentary covered so many of the things Bubble and I have talked about during our marathon phone conversations over the last three years. Oil pipelines right on down. It was a very well-done documentary, and Michael Moore does not try to disguise it as being without personal opinion. But you know what? I think he voices the personal opinion of many.
This morning, I started my car and popped in a Hawksley Workman CD, then proceeded to pull out to the stop, in front of a truck that had been parked right ahead of my car. You know, when a vehicle is parked and it's off and you see no movement, you assume there is no one in it. So, as the first track (We Will Still Need a Song) is rather boppy and my street appeared empty, I started groovin' along, and singing along rather loudly ("Fuck you, you're drunk and acting toooouuuuggghhhhh!"), then drumming on my steering wheel when it got to that first drum part before the first chorus... only to discover that there was actually someone sitting in that parked truck. And he was looking at me. Thank God my windows were rolled up.
I am endless entertainment for my neighbours, I am sure. Oh well, I was in a good mood, had some energy and was freshly-caffeinated, whaddya want a girl to do? :)
Please let the floor open up and swallow me whole. I am so not fit for the actual world sometimes. My director just came over and said hello, and then said, "You ignored me last night!" Me, confused, asked, "When?" "You were cruising on by with your shopping basket under your arm and I said, 'Yeah, you don't want to buy anything here!' and you just kept walking." I was just like, ohmigod, I'm so sorry, I totally block everyone out when I'm shopping. And I seriously do this. People usually have to flag me down -- happened recently at Home Depot when I walked right past a girl I'd gone to j-skool with and her boyfriend. Happens at the mall a lot. I am not intentionally being rude, I just totally zone out when I shop, especially at the grocery store. I am not a big fan of grocery stores, so it's my defense mechanism against the place irritating the crap out of me.
I'd heard someone say something, but I just thought it was a commentary on where I was standing, or that they were talking to someone else. Bah. I would like to go back home now... I have been especially oblivious this week to what goes on around me when out and about because I have been writing a TON. Last weekend, to see me, you probably would have thought I just dropped in from outer space. I'm sometimes not so sure that I haven't...
Okay, everyone. I need a dresser with a bookshelf on top of it, like the one in my bedroom back home. (Not that half of you have ever seen this, but for those who have, that's what I'm looking for.)
I've got a couple of funny stories for everyone tonight.
First, we'll start with why my hair is wet right now and how my walk turned into a run. I was about half an hour into what is usually about an hour and a half long walk, when suddenly the sky was turning black -- it was still sunny as could be where I'd come from -- and I saw lightning. Then I heard the thunder and thought, hmmm, maybe I should cut this short tonight. I started heading back home. I made it as far as the first intersection with lights and as I waited to get a green light, it started pouring. It was like being in a really big shower with water pressure like you've never seen.
This is about the point that I learned that yes, I can run in my sandals and yes, I can do so on flooded sidewalks. So, the walk became a run, I was drenched but muchly invigorated and laughing, and somehow my eye makeup held up through all of this even though it's not waterproof? Strange, I tell ya.
The second funny incident took place before I went on the walk/run/outdoor shower. I forgot my cell phone at home today, and after dinner thought I'd check to see if anyone had called it during the day and if I had any messages. Well, I did. One from an older woman, that started off like this: "Bill? It's Diane. Your phone says 'Jenn', you know. I'm calling to remind you that we have Weight Watchers tonight and to bring the receipts..." and so on for a long, rambly while. I cracked up at the "Your phone says 'Jenn', you know." God love the people out there who never even consider that they've dialled the wrong number when they get a voice mail greeting that specifically is not for the person they were trying to reach.
This is far from the first time this has happened, cell or home phone. The other most entertaining erroneously-left voice mail has to be the time someone left a message in either Chinese or Japanese, or another similar-sounding language. I think perhaps I should add to my greeting, "If this message is not for Jenn, then you have dialled the wrong number." And then, for kicks, my bang-on impersonation of the recording we used to get from Thunder Bay Telephone when we'd take the phone off the hook back in the days before we could just turn the ringer off (I'm not sure if this is for other local phone service providers as well, because Sprint's is a bit different): "Please hang up and try your call again. If you need assistance, dial your operator. Please hang up now. This is a recording..."
When I am able to turn my brain off for awhile and just enjoy the beauty in moments, it is a wondrous thing. There is so much in my life to be happy and grateful for, to hold in my heart and just treasure and cherish. I sound nauseating there, don't I? Seriously, though, it's true. While things may not always be exactly how I'd like them, and while the grand scheme can be far from perfect, I sometimes wonder if all that matters.
I am always living my life five years ahead of myself. That's not bad, necessarily, when it comes to having goals and dreams and aspirations, the things that get me out of bed in the morning and keep me looking forward, rather than stagnating away without any kind of ambition. But, as someone who knows me better than most and whose observations and advice I trust and take to heart has said, in some situations this tendancy of mine could very well make me insane.
So maybe, for some things, I am choosing to enjoy the here and now, and ignoring the woulda, coulda, shoulda, what ifs and wishing thats.
Talk about re-programming your mind.
At this moment, I am... At home, avoiding a stack of dishes in the kitchen!
Hearing: "Accidentally in Love" (in my head -- it is stuck there)
Looking forward to: Dinner and a movie (Harry Potter!!!) with a friend tomorrow night. Good company, good times. :)
We all have choices. Sometimes we're afraid of them. We're afraid of what the outcome may be, that we will lose something big, whether this is a person in our lives, material objects, stability, money, some kind of long-held security -- anything that signifies a potentially scary repercussion.
In the end, though, it is making the choice that is the scariest and most difficult thing of all. For, once we have made a decision and followed through, there will always be an unknown outcome to face up to. Most of us on this planet live with a fear of the unknown.
Yet, there is something greater to consider when facing big decisions. Can you continue to live your life as you are living it now, regardless of how long something has been as it is -- a few days, a few weeks, a few months or a few years, or perhaps so many years you think that's just how life has to be for you? Does it make you happy? By this I mean truly happy and fulfilled to the highest degree that you know you can be?
Or, do you do it just because you think it's too difficult not to? That the immediate consequences you anticipate are just so intimidating, that you would rather settle for life as it has been for a period of time, and spend a lifetime not necessarily unhappy but not necessarily truly happy either, because it's easier to settle for what we know and to maintain calm and order than it would be listen to our intuition and live through temporary chaos and some rough going, to get to that ultimately happier way of life.
It is unarguably easier not to listen to what our intuition, heart or mind tells us, because we just feel like we can't muster the energy or courage for that journey, because we know it will entail facing things for a time that we just really would rather not.
But what if we all were brave, and listened to ourselves every once in awhile? The scarier question is, what if we didn't?
We have one life to live. It is pretty much guaranteed that it cannot be painless. You can avoid something difficult or painful, yes, but in the end, is it really less painful to live your entire life with a sense of dissatisfaction?
There is a saying or a philosophy that states without the ugly there is no beautiful. Without the bad, there is no good. This is not Utopia, this is Earth, where we create and choose our own ideas of perfection and happiness. This is not anyone else's life, this is our own. We get one chance here. And we have to spend this lifetime living with the choices we have made, along with the ones that we have avoided.
I had what is possibly the weirdest, freakiest, worst-but-best, most therapeutic experience that I've ever had in my life this afternoon. I'm not even sure if I can accurately describe it. I'll try, but I'll warn those of the "I will ridicule or dismiss what I cannot or do not want to understand" crowd right now, that it runs along those lines.
For the last three hours of my Reiki class, we paired up and each took a turn giving the other a full Reiki session, to learn the hand posturing and positioning, feeling the differences in different areas, how to tune into that -- basically, how to practice it on others. I received first. At the beginning, it just felt really nice, like feeling energies moving and connecting, and a lot of warmth radiating from my Reiki giver's hands. That to me had an element of the natural and normal (heightened, though) when considering people's energy fields, that everyone gives off energy as we are living beings. As an example, try rubbing your hands together really quickly for 30 seconds or a minute, then move them a few inches apart and feel the attracting and repelling current. The energy current and warmth was similar to this, but strengthened (and coming from someone else), and it was very relaxing.
And so it went like that for awhile, through the positions over my head, ears, shoulders, elbows, wrists and hands. Then we got into the area overtop of my chest. It felt like my Reiki giver was pushing one of her hands into me, in the sternum area, like more and more pressure was going there along with heat, and my body had a reaction of needing to breathe deeply, like it was gasping for air, as if I needed to push her hands off of me by really forcefully inhaling and exhaling. Here's the thing, though: her hands were well above me, not on me at all. It began to feel like a circular hole was being bored into that area, and that something was being pulled from it, just this really intense-but-awful overwhelming sensation, still fighting to breathe and the feeling of wanting to her to leave that area. At the same time, it felt as though something very long, deeply rooted and big was being drawn out from this hole. It was intensely uncomfortable, yet somehow feeling necessary as much as I wanted to resist it.
I later realized that this was happening at my fourth chakra. The heart chakra. Yeah, that about makes a whole lot of sense. I'm supposed to add that area to my homework positions.
Afterward I felt really energized, and have been surprisingly calm and happy since, like something I needed out did get released from me. My Reiki master noted that it wouldn't be coming out if I wasn't ready for it to and I didn't want it to, so it was time.
I can't even explain the way this both freaked me out and is fascinating me. I really didn't expect that.
Okay, I am baking cookies for my yoga class, so I'd better go check on those... what an amazing weekend. That's really all I can say.
Wow. My Reiki master wasn't joking when she said not to plan anything in the evening between the two classes this weekend. I'm not tired or sleepy exactly, it is something else I can't really describe too accurately, but whatever it is, it makes me quite content to sit and be relaxed. Driving home was a challenge. I am told there is adjustment that has to happen to being open to new energy vibrations, but also that it is a 21-day process. There were two attunements today and there will be two more tomorrow.
I don't have the desire to stay on the computer right now so I think I'll end this post here. Have a good weekend, everyone. :)
Give the girl a cosmopolitan and she gets all introspective on you
I should be writing right now. Well, I mean, I'm writing this -- I meant a bigger project, not just my thoughts and reflections on life. But sometimes there are things you need to work out in your head, and it can only be done by writing to the anonymous or not-so-anonymous masses, and not silently, internally, or by picking up the phone and talking to someone.
It's a funny thing, life and feelings. What are feelings? Do we, as biological creatures, fabricate them based on physical attractions, or do the feelings come first and help intensify the other, or does it all just occur as a package deal? And why do we feel things for the people that we do? Why does it just bowl us over one morning when we wake up, without warning?
The craziest thing I realized many months ago, is how something, at a certain point in life, can at the time hurt you so unfathomably, so deeply, that it lingers in you for some time... and yet over time, it subsides so entirely that it no longer means anything at all. Somehow, someone and something that once meant so much, you suddenly feel nothing for... no more anger, no more hurt. Complete and total indifference. That was the strangest feeling I had ever encountered -- the feeling of nothing. And I realized that I barely even thought about them, because there was nothing to think about.
And then, I realized that I had feelings for someone else. And what scared me about that -- what still scares me about that -- is how on so many levels they ran deeper and were so much more a part of me than what I'd felt for someone I'd once thought I was meant to spend a lifetime with. All against my better judgment.
So this circles back once more to the initial question, what are feelings? What are attractions? Can they be isolated and contained, explained away, then forced aside?
I ask these things, because I have a life to live.
