I don't know what to say about this, that wouldn't come off like the usual journalistic "shocked and saddened," only not shocked, although surprised when it was what I woke up to on the radio this morning. Journalistic heroes, those faces and voices you grow up watching and listening to, who inspired a 7-year-old to grow up and go to journalism school and specialize in T.V. news, well, in some ways I think you immortalize them.
Yeah, I know. That anyone still reads this is surprising, because I update so little, and also because I felt compelled to take a great deal of my life off-line. I had to leave this forum for awhile, because the last year has been more busy than I can ever remember my life being, because I was afraid I'd say things that are best left unsaid, because I was at a place in my life where so much was happening all at once, good and blissfully confusing and almost parallel universe-like, that I needed time out to make sense of it all and I wanted to do that on a personal level, not in a public forum. I'm still pretty censored here. My personal life stays personal because relationships don't belong on the internet, at least not for me, and there will be no commentaries about work, save for the fact that I love my job and everyone I work with. That I'm happy in both realms is all anyone needs to know.
The fact remains, though, that I need to write and express. I've been doing this pretty much since I acquired language. It's such an innate part of who I am, that when I don't write, I make myself and anyone around me crazy. I feel at a loss. Sometimes it comes out in the form of ridiculously long e-mails to those who know me best, sometimes it comes out in short little humour articles, sometimes it comes out as pieces of a much bigger project. One of the greatest feelings I've ever had is have someone love that about me, who will occasionally sub in for me kicking my own ass if I'm letting myself get too caught up in other parts of my life, or procrastinating. In a world where so many people don't understand how important it is for me to write when I need to write, to not let that moment go, and how much a part of me it is, and take offense that I'm brushing them off in favour of typing away, well, it's nice to be understood.
I'm still busy... holy cow, am I still busy. How I juggled it all at the height of everything without burnout or a breakdown is still baffling those close to me, but never will I say that I'm regretful for the experience of anything in the last year and a half.
I've been working on my research paper this weekend, and it's funny, even though I have a perfectly good and perfectly spacious office to work in, yesterday I somehow ended up sprawled out on the floor in a paper explosion. The fact that this didn't make me crazy is a testament to how involved I was with it, because I am neat freak of the universe. It's an inherited trait. ;) I took a picture of the sprawl of stuff yesterday, because this is one of the things I want to remember about this time of my life:
That paper chaos about resembles the current state of my brain.
What's so problematic about blogging these days, is how careful you really have to be. There is a ton of stuff I've written -- humour pieces -- that I'd love to share here. Except, there is always the risk that someone will read it and take it the wrong way, and then like other bloggers have found themselves, boom, you're suddenly out of a job, even though what I write has nothing to do with my job or any co-workers. Or, I'm worried that other things will offend. So my blog ends up really boring and lacking humour, and what I write gets shared only amongst family and friends.
It's a weird, weird world we live in.
I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and the summer. I can't believe it's August already!
